I feel it’s important to start off with the fact that I am not good at letting go or saying goodbye to anyone that has become a part of my life. I have tried to maintain friendships despite betrayals, through miles of distance, divorces, and usually without equal reciprocation. Why? I have no idea anymore. It is just not healthy and beyond that, it gives the impression I don’t respect myself. Maybe I didn’t, but I do now. M has helped open eyes to a lot of things about myself and what I really am capable of doing. Our relationship has shown me that people really do treat you, the way you allow them to. You really can hold people accountable and demand to be treated in a certain way.
Let me explain. When M and I first started dating, we were both just coming out of bad relationships. I was in a dark place and determined to stay there alone; not to be miserable, but to be numb. M fought to be with me. Being in that dark place allowed me to be brave because I didn’t want to care anymore (if that makes sense). That being said, it was the first time in my life that I set the standard for how someone would treat me. I didn’t chase him, but in fact tried to push him away. I told him everything about myself; the dark and the light and he did the same. But just when I almost pushed too hard forcing him to walk away, I stopped pushing. I allowed myself to love him. Now, I’m sure that doesn’t speak to healthy in any way but my point is that I set the bar for how I wanted to be treated. I was finally brave enough with someone (despite for the wrong reasons) to say “Hey, this is what I want and who I am. If you’re okay with that, than great. If not, there’s the door”. I’m sure most of you are thinking, “don’t you always do that” and the answer was no. I was never brave enough to face the rejection of someone saying “thanks but no thanks”. And now, I have the best relationship of my life. He is my husband but he is my absolute best friend and we only grow closer and stronger.
I decided to learn from this and let go of the toxic people in my life which really boiled down to one person, H. She and I have been friends for almost 30 years. However, I think friends is a pretty loose term and would be better described as she is the puppet master and I the puppet. I have no idea where she ever got this control over me, but a few years ago, I noticed it was there….well, M noticed. She has always been capable of “persuading” me to do things I don’t want to do. She really isn’t a bad person and in fact, some would say she has a heart of gold. But, when it comes to me and her, she is a user and a manipulator. I truly don’t believe she had any malicious intent, but I do believe she is immature and selfish. Aside from the unhealthy issues in our relationship, we were growing apart. She is stuck in 1994 and I have grown up. I don’t want to relive all the crazy things I did every time we go out. I also don’t think our versions of reality are the same. I have goals and dreams and most do not include the local tavern every night of the week. I also despise hypocrisy. Go ahead H, make your life appear one way on Facebook, but I know what lies behind closed doors.
So, yesterday I said goodbye to her; I deleted her from my Facebook as well as her contact information. I originally thought I would hear about it, but I think she knew as well as I did that this was inevitable. We were only maintaining a dying friendship out of obligation to the past. Again, not healthy….and even as I sit here and write about the reasons to say goodbye, I still struggle with the decision. I know it is because I care, that I am compassionate and that I treasure my friendships. However, I need to treasure myself. I was brave enough to pack up my life and relocate to a whole new country, I should learn to be brave enough to love myself.