As I mentioned yesterday, we had a bit of a rough weekend. Nothing bad happened, it was more of a releasing of emotions. My husband is my very best friend and sometimes we just have to get it all out. These are things that are hard for me to share, embarrassing to share, but truthful.
Sometimes, expat life is hard.
Sometimes the only way to be free of something, is to feel it completely.
I recently wrote this for another site and I realized that no one understands better than my fellow expats so I surely must share this here as well! If you’ve seen this before, feel free to disregard.
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There are things you don’t fully realize when make a big life change. Sure, you know they are there, you know they will be hard, but you don’t realize just how hard.
In May, we will have lived in Germany for a year and it has been one of the harder years I’ve experienced. Underneath the romance and spontaneity of our move, lies the reality of it all. We started over, completely over.
Limitations.
I’ve done this before, but this time, this time has been so much harder. I’m so isolated and not by anyone’s fault, it’s just the situation we are in. We’ve had to rebuild our life, so what does that mean? Well, my husband had to find a job to which he still is only employed under a temporary contract. We had to buy furniture, television, some necessities. The only furniture we shipped over was our son’s bedroom set. We are limited to one very small income and one car which my husband has to use for his commute to work. And, technically now, that doesn’t matter since I’m only permitted to drive on my U.S. license for 6 months, I can no longer drive legally; I need a German license. Add all of these things together and you can see why life may be difficult; how just the act of being social could be difficult.
Isolation.
Most weeks, I only leave the house on Saturdays when we run errands as a family. I have no friends. I’m embarrassed even admitting this, putting it out there for all the world to see, but it’s the truth.
We aren’t living, but surviving.
I woke up with a heavy sadness today; a heavy, dark sadness. I wasn’t sure where it was coming from until I accidentally heard this song. Suddenly, as I was singing, tears started pouring from my eyes.
Why today? Why is this hitting so hard today?
Loneliness.
Last night, I had an amazing two-hour Face Time date with my best friend in Las Vegas. I miss her. I’m homesick. I still know we made the right decision moving here. We are making a sacrifice for hopefully a better life for our family, but today, I am sad. I am lonely. And I wish had some friends here in this new home to help it feel more like home and less like sacrifice.
I will listen to this song on repeat and shed all the tears I’ve been holding back.
I will hold my little boy.
I will hug and kiss my husband.
And tomorrow will be better.
Release.
How about you? Anything you keep buried that’s been hard about expat life?
And in case you were wondering, it helped. Letting it all out, crying, feeling it fully, helped. Today is a better day because of it.
Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry you are feeling lonely and homesick right now, it can be so debilitating. Know that you aren’t alone in feeling that way. I understand completely. All the best to you. I hope tomorrow is better. Take care, Tasha
It was much better after just getting it all out. This week has been quite lovely because of it. :-) Thanks for reading and your kind words. It’s appreciated.
I am so happy to hear today is a better day! You have inspired me to put some of my own feelings on paper or should I say screen. Have a great week Deanna :)
Aww, yay! That makes me happy to hear Connie. It’s great when our own experiences, positive or negative, can help inspire others. I look forward to reading it!
Aw, sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time :( Do you live in a small town…?
My actual village is small and things are not as convenient as we would like, but it will get better. Today is already a better day. Thanks for reading and for your support.
Villages are hard for expats… not sure if you’ve seen, but I’ve also just written a post about needing to leave my current small-ish town.
Is your son in kindergarten yet? Maybe meeting other local mums, as he makes his own friends, will improve things.
No, but I need to get my butt on over and read it! I wonder why I didn’t see it in my reader…..
No, but he starts in May. I really think that is going to help all of us, but I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket.
I agree it’s best to moderate one’s expectations, but it’s a start AND a change to the ol’ routine. We get stuck in our ruts, and that’s no fun at all ;-)
What about starting up an English conversation coffee morning group or something like that?
I am already aware of a few groups that will be great, but I can’t really participate in until our situation changes a bit. The change should begin when he starts kinder which is why I think it will be more downhill from there.
I should imagine that having a few hours to yourself every day will make a difference.
What about having a little unofficial toddler playgroup, where you play games with them in English? AND charge for it, of course ;-) That way, you’ll build up a relationship with the mums, too, over time.
Something to consider. Thanks for all of the great ideas!
I’m a great fan of the multi-pronged approach. Out of ten things, three tend to work out ;-)
Keep us posted on your tribulations. Hopefully, you’re about to leave the worst patch behind.
Haha! I like that! I definitely will and my optimistic side thinks we are headed towards smoother sailing. :-)
thank you for your honesty. This is a really beautifully written post, and one I can totally relate to! For me one of the hardest parts about moving was attempting to meet new people & make new friends. I guess deep down I knew that starting over wouldn’t be just one big exciting adventure but it was still much harder than I expected! I think you’re totally right- sharing how we feel, holding on to what we have and believing it gets better is the way forward!
I think it must be the only way forward, otherwise we go backward! At least, that’s what I’m telling myself and it helps. It is far from all gloom and doom, but some days just suck. ;-) Thank you for reading and for your kind words. It helps knowing we aren’t alone.
I really loved this post. I am struggling with the same feeling of isolation, I even feel uncomfortable with the people I live with because I cannot speak their language (I live with my mother/father-inlaw) so I just sit in my bedroom, all day everyday. I rarely go out of the house alone and my husband seems to be always working.
I just it is just a reality when we are love expats, I guess we just have to find ways of coping.
Lots of love xxxxx
I am both happy and sad that you could relate to this post, but I think you are correct in that it is a harsh reality of expat life. I can’t speak the language yet either and I know that is a big reason for the barrier, but it takes time. I believe it will be better. Thanks for reading and sending hugs your way!
Big Hug Deanna <3 x
I also lived with my in-laws for the first months of living in Sweden and like you was in the bedroom all day. Once we were able to move into our own place each day was so much better. Good luck!
We have our own place (if you were replying to me and not Lauren) but the overall language barrier is still an issue. Thanks for reading and commenting!
We are thinking to move out sometime soon too… it was going to be a permanent fixture but I don’t know if I can bring children up in this environment, I don’t want joint parent really.
Eaakk. Thanks for your response Hemborgwife :D x
Yes, ours was temporary till we were able to find a place to rent which is very very competitive in Sweden but we ended up taking the first thing we could find which was a sublet because I was getting way to down and felt like a prisoner.
Thanks for sharing your honest post. The loneliness can sneak in at the inevitable low times of any life, but it does seem magnified as an expat.
Music and tears and the comfort of family - you found the perfect release. I’m glad today is better!
Yes, magnified is a great word Cindi! And it definitely seemed to help so I guess it worked. Ha!
Thanks for reading and for your support. :-)
I know just how you feel. Of course, my situation is different, as I moved here alone and developed a few friendships before meeting my husband. And while he is my best friend and we have so much fun together, he has lived in Berlin his whole life, so he doesn’t understand the sadness I get sometimes, from missing my friends, from being away from what was once familiar, etc. Granted, Berlin is a much easier place to make friends in (there are just a lot of opportunities to be social) but it’s also hard to make lasting friendships, because people are always coming and going. I’ve lived here almost three years and have one person I can consider a close friend I can count on. I have maybe 5-10 other friends who are good enough acquaintances or pals that we meet up semi-regularly, but I don’t have those lasting friendships from back home (I still have them, but they’re back home)… I know it sounds a bit depressing… the older we get the harder it is to make new friends, especially in a foreign country, but you shouldn’t feel bad about it. While I get bummed out sometimes about being mostly friendless here (knowing lots of people but only having a couple I have a close connection with) I do realize how much less drama is in my life, and how it frees me up to devote my time to the important people. So in a way, it’s not so bad. :)
Thank you Natalye. You said one thing I really needed to hear which was that I shouldn’t feel bad about not having any friends. Logically, I know it will come in time, but for now, it’s a hard realization and it only increases the feelings of homesickness. It’s too bad all of us expats in Germany are typically so far from one another! ;-) I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment. Thank you for the support and sharing your experiences.
Thanks so much for sharing this! I have been feeling the same way lately with all the stress of having to start over and missing my comfortable life at home. It is so hard when you move with your spouse to their home country, even though they try they can’t fully understand the daily struggles we face. Keep going strong, I try and tell myself things will work out as long as I don’t give up. A a good cry always helps:)
A good cry definitely helped and just having all of this support from fellow expats is amazing! Thanks and same to you. I know it will get easier in time. Thanks for reading and sharing your experience.
I can understand all of this, it’s really hard starting over, and the driving thing, sometimes I feel if only I could drive again I would feel some semblance of normality. Making friends when you are older and pretty isolated is really hard. I only have a couple people I consider friends here and even then I met them through my bf, so none that I’ve made myself. I think getting everything off your chest sometimes just really helps, so glad to see you’ve been having a better time of things because of it.
Thanks Danielle and sorry you can relate. Driving does make a huge impact in my feelings of independence. It’s helped so much hearing that others have had a hard time making friends too. Pictures and the internet can be so deceiving that sometimes it adds to the isolation. Thanks for reading and sharing your experiences as well.
I think that it’s great that you shared this. Expat life is full of rewards, but it also has it’s challenges. I’ve just written a post about how I feel about the transition from South Africa to Tanzania - I’m having a hard time too - and I think all these feelings are perfectly normal. I’m glad to hear that it’s a better day today, but I also really hope that things start to change for you. It’ll only take little things for there to be a big improvement - I hope they happen soon.
Aww, thank you Amy. I really appreciate your kind words and thoughtfulness. Thank for sharing your experiences as well.
I relate! It’s so tough. Does it help if I tell you that it gets better? I have restarted twice. With The Canadian being in the military, we moved 3,000 km just 2 years after me moving to the country. I’m now 18 months into my second move and it’s starting to look up. That first two years were tough. Learning to navigate the cultural differences between friendships is so hard and so many mistakes are made but be patient with yourself. Try to get out. I threw myself into the internet to connect with friends and family but ultimately, challenging myself to leave the house and do countless coffee dates is actually what helped me connect with others and find a semblance of normality in my new Canadian life.
I wish I knew what to tell you that would make it all better for you. It’s really rubbish. In fact, it’s kinda s***.
*big hugs*
Lol. That made me laugh Hannah! I’ve restarted before. In fact, this is my 4th time and maybe that’s why it’s so hard. I don’t have it in me anymore, but really I’m very outgoing. It’s not hard for me to get out at all as far as the social aspect but logistically and financially it’s not possible right now. I don’t have the kind of friends you can just “hang out” with so without transpiration and money plus my kiddo I’m kind of stuck. For now. But I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish I had some friends to help me get there. Thanks for reading and for your support and comment. Hugs!
Big hugs! Know the feeling, I still struggle everyday here in London, cos it’s so big and takes ages to get anywhere its really hard to make friends. I’m just lucky I have the other half to lean on, I think he gets sick of my tears though! I hope everything gets better for you soon! xx
Thank you and hugs back at ya! I too have my other half to lean on thank goodness and he does with me but sometimes we both need someone at the same time! Haha! So it’s a day of blowing off steam. :-)
Well, I’m a little late to the game, but it’s obvious you’ve struck a cord! I feel much the same way as you. All I do is work which leaves very little free time, and many of my friends have left which feels very isolating. For me, though, the feelings of negativity go in cycles so hopefully your situation will level out soon and everything will be on the up and up!
Yes I guess I did! I hoped other expats could relate so it would help normalize these feelings for me but I had no idea it would receive this kind of support! And yes it seems to go in cycles for me too….more like waves. Thanks for reading and sharing!
If you read my Mexico series, you know I left once I became isolated. No car, no close friends, and a lot of tears. It isn’t easy, and I admire your family for taking this on together. I think your very first paragraph, with these words - “My husband is my very best friend and sometimes we just have to get it all out.” - holds the reason you’ll make it through.
I started reading it and then I got behind in my blog reading and it got lost. Thanks for reminding me. I’ll have to go back to it. And I couldn’t agree more, I couldn’t do it without him. We are a great team. Thank you for your sweet words and sharing your experience.
Oh man, I totally know that feeling. Sometimes you’ve just got to let it all out and just admit that things aren’t always perfect. Moving takes so much out of you and I think it’s healthy to just admit that it’s hard and sucky and deal with emotions that come with that. When I moved to Bavaria I tried so hard to fight it, feeling like I’d failed and all it did was make me feel stressed out and sad. I think it’s difficult for husbands to completely “get” what we’re going through too. They don’t need friends the way women do and they have a life they just walk into while we have to create one from scratch…
Hang in there, chica. You’ve done a great job making a life in Germany and if you ever need a sympathetic ear, we’re all here for you!
You are so right Shannon and that’s exactly what I was doing! I was spending so much time putting up a front as if by admitting life is life and it can be sucky regardless, I was admitting failure. It has been a huge relief to just let it out. And the support I’ve received is both amazing and comforting. Thank you for sharing and listening!
So much of this resonates with me. My feeling of isolation ins’t too bad right now, but it does hit more often than I admit to anyone. I think it’s hard for a lot of people (except exapts) to realize how much of an international move really is starting over from scratch, especially when like us, you move with no furniture and no kitchen supplies and then take a huge cut in income. And it’s even tougher when you have a young child and literally feel tethered to the house all day, every day. It does get better as they get older, they just find different ways to drive you crazy =) Hang in there, Deanna - I’ll be hanging there right next to you. I don’t really have any tips for making it better, but I’m happy to listen. =)
Oh Ace, your comment brought tears to my eyes. The way you described being “tethered” to the house is so true. And then it made me laugh when you said they find other ways to drive you crazy! Lol Thank you for such a sweet comment. Just knowing you get it and I’m not alone makes a huge difference.
Sending you a big hug… You know what it is bloody hard sometimes, and I think only other expats can truly understand that. Thank you for posting this, I know how much it will help other people, and might make some people (who think all we do all day is go out for lunch and shop) realise it’s not all roses! x
Thank you so much Emma! By the response, it seems this was a needed post for many so that alone has helped me and I hope others as well.
I am proud of you! It must have took a lot to click publish. It’s nice to read the not so bright side from others. Not to glorify in someone’s sorrow but more so to relate and know that their are others in a similar situation and are getting by.
We have done the big move and are about to do it all over again. Am glad you shared and am glad you released! Chin Up Hun x Things can only get better!
Thank you so much! Yes, I know what you mean. It made me feel good to know others could understand, not that they had experienced it, but that I’m not alone. Thanks for reading and commenting.
I totally love this song. And I know exactly how you feel. Thank you for posting this. I’ve skirted the edges of the homesickness and isolation of being an expat in some of my posts, but I hesitate to fully jump in like you do. I worry my whole blog would end up as one big THIS IS HARD! But it really is hard. And it feels comforting as a fellow expat to read of other’s journeys and know that you’re not the only one going through some of these things.
It’s such a strange feeling to know that you chose to do this, to put yourself and your family through all of this, and it’s still so hard. Such a strange dichotomy.
Anyway, just know that you’re not the only one feeling this way! I hope tomorrow brings more feelings of happiness and hope.
This song is just awesome. Haha! I know what you mean! I think that’s why I avoided it too. Plus, the internet is so deceiving. You only see everyone’s highlights and think, wow, their life must be sunshine and roses when it’s just sucky every now and again too. It’s important to share that I think now that technology is such a big part of social lives which is a contradiction of sorts. And I love what you said about the dichotomy! Omg if that is t true!
Thanks for reading and for the support! xx
Sending you a big fat (virtual) hug!!! I wish we would have met while I was living in Trier…. But we can still be blog-friends ;o)
Thank you so much for sharing this! I know I will definitely get to that point as well…. My plane leaves in 31 days. So far I’m too busy to be scared or excited. All I want is my man and my cat. But I know I will miss my family and friends in Germany.
But hey, at least we live in 2014! Thank God for Skype, FaceTime and all the internet shit that helps us staying in touch with our loved ones!
Keep your head up and hang in there, chickee!!
Smooches!
Anni
Awww, thanks Anni! I remember that feeling of being so excited, nervous and just ready to be done. It’s so busy you don’t have time to feel much else and that’s a good thing I think. Wishing you the best on your move and can’t wait to follow your new adventures!
Don’t be sad! Sometimes I feel the exact same way you do. HUGS!
Thank you and hugs back! I’m doing my best on the sad part. :-)
I can totally relate to this!! I have says when I really miss friends back home - it’s a natural thing! Packing up and moving to a new country is tough, especially one with a different language! I’ve always said that if we’d have moved to Germany instead of the US I definitely don’t think I’d have settled in as well as I did here purely because of the language barrier. I probably would have felt isolated like you. I’m not saying life here is so much better and perfect - I don’t have that many friends but I gave a few! Keep your chin up - expat life us tough but deep down we all love it really!!
I know. I try to remind myself that I’ve been here before and felt this before and it will get easier. Having a young child makes it a bit more difficult and isolating but that too will change soon. Thanks for the support and glad to have you around!
Have you tried going on Facebook or Toytown and looking for other Expats in your area? I know how you feel, isolation is really sad. There have been times when I had no friends and felt very alone, these periods are always tough to get through. They do pass, something will change, you’ll make friends, get a job, improve your German etc. Hang in there :)
Yes, there are several groups I’m aware of, but the situation prevents much socialization right now. But it will get better. Thanks for your support and stopping by!
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I’ve been in Germany for over 7 years now and it’s only in the last 2-3 years that I’ve actually had friends of my own - before that, we mostly hung out with Jan’s friends from before he met me. The friends we have now are friends with both of us, but at least I know when he’s away I have someone I can contact to go for a drink/coffee/whatever. Having friends really does make all the difference!
Friends make a huge difference! But that makes me feel better that it took you awhile as well. It’s comforting knowing that it’s hard for everyone and not just something I’m doing wrong. Thanks for the support.
It all takes time - don’t put pressure on yourself. We have moved house and changed cultures and countries many times, and the last time we moved I just curled up and cried. I thought we were settled, but PF had other plans and pulled me up by my roots like an old dandelion. In my new home in the South of France, I pined for my previous home and all the friends I had there. Then I remembered the wise words of one of the people I’d left behind me : “Don’t try to recreate the same thing you had here, or you can only be unhappy. You’ll never lose us, so create something new - if you pine after your previous life, you won’t move on”. So I’ve moved on. Three years later, I’ve made a few friends here, and I go back to the Alsace. I cry when I arrive, and I cry when I leave - but from happiness, because I haven’t lost the life I had there. Adapting takes time that’s the way the cookie crumbles, I suppose. Hang on in there xxx
MM that’s such beautiful and wise advice. What a sweet friend that told you that. I know I have a bad habit of doing that. I tend to want what I had knowing I can never return to that time, only the place. And I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself, so I really appreciated hearing that. It’s so easy to forget that you’ve started over and it will take time. Comparison always steals my joy. It’s definitely something I have to work on. Thank you so much for such support and inspiring words.
I am really struggling too so sorry for butting into your post…. I cannot offer any advice at the moment as I don’t know what to do myself. I have been an expat spouse for 10 + years - in one place - Barbados - never worked as cannot get a work permit for my type of work. Married for 9 years - no kids - it’s just not happened despite “trying”. We have had so many friends come and go and I am just getting tired of the seemingly endless cycle. We have not really managed to make any settled/local friends… well I thought we had and then bang… one couple left in October and another left in January. So a big chunk of our social life gone in a couple of months. I just feel like we are back to square one again… Husband is happy in his job - happier than he would be in the UK at least. I have no wish to return to the UK but am in a rut here…. am feeling low and hardly ever leave the apartment - I can’t seem to get back into any kind of routine - I can literally spend a whole week not going out apart from one day going grocery shopping. I have stopped doing my exercise classes - used to do 2 per week - it was an opportunity to actually get out and interact with someone! Having a few minor health problems (mid life crisis!) so have not started back and actually no one has appeared to miss me going so obviously no one really cares. Need to try and start doing something again… sigh. I feel like I literally have no friends here either…… I know a handful of women…. 2 or 3 … but none that I am close enough to even talk to about anything like this … and I wouldn’t even know where to start. Hope you are feeling better Deanna.xx