Sunday Reflection: I’m Not Who I Used To Be

When I started this blog, only a few short months ago, I had a vision in mind of what I wanted to write about and why. I was inspired by our courage to take hold of our life and make our dreams happen. I wanted to document this “journey”, both the physical and the mental. I wanted to write about living in another country and becoming an expat. I wanted to share the beauty of this new country and our happiness.

Never once did I want to be a “mommy blogger” or “parenting blogger”. In no way am I saying there is anything wrong with that. I’m only saying that it never once crossed my mind. But how can I write about my life without including the biggest piece of it? How can I write about this journey without including my family? And most of all, how can I not write about the transition from being a career oriented woman to now being a stay-at-home-mom? After all, this is such a HUGE piece of this new lifestyle. Not only am I adjusting to living in a new country and all that this entails, but I am adjusting to letting go of my career so I can spend time with someone who came along by surprise and has completely changed my life as well me.

I’m no longer the person I was before I became I mother. I didn’t know this kind of love existed; or this kind of stress and frustration! My body is not the same on the inside or the out. I look at myself and don’t see the person I was before and this is both gratifying and scary. I have moments of private honesty where I miss the freedom I once had and then feel guilty about these thoughts as if they say I don’t love my son enough; which I know is irrational and completely not true. I have moments of loneliness as I miss my friends, partly because I chose to move away from them and partly because having a child changes those relationships. Making new friends isn’t easy either with having to schedule everything around naps and babysitters which only compounds the loneliness.

But then there is this little person who can bring tears to my eyes just by smiling at me. Who makes me laugh as he dances around and gets so excited to hear music just like his mama. And then this same person can drive this once sane woman, into a total pit of insanity from the frustration this little monster can create in an instant! :-)

All that being said, I have decided to create a new portion of my blog dedicated to my little man and being a mother. I have decided I need an outlet for sharing and receiving feedback. I have decided that these moments are full of emotion and completely part of this journey. I have decided that this is a big part of my “True North”, thanks to Belinda’s series at Found Love Now What. Tomorrow will be the first edition of Monster Mondays. What do you think? Let me know and hope to see you there!

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15 Responses to Sunday Reflection: I’m Not Who I Used To Be

  1. Cindi says:

    You express the conflicting emotions of new motherhood so well, Deanna. As I’m sure you’ll discover, that will be cathartic - and the feedback and support you receive will also. It’s been 30 years since I was a new Mom; I’ve worn many hats in my life (wife, teacher, admin assistant …), but the hat of Motherhood to my two daughters is the one I am most proud of! I wish the same for you as time goes by.

    • Thank you so much! You are right…it felt so good just writing this and being open about some of those feelings. I look forward to receiving more input from you as someone who understands and is on the other side of motherhood. I’m sure you have lots of wisdom! :-)

      • Cindi says:

        Often I just felt privileged that I was along for their journey; watching my little girls take their first steps, learn their first words, play with a new friend, get on the school bus for the first time was wonderful and painful, because every step of learning for them was a step away from needing me. :(

        It probably doesn’t feel this way now, but the time goes way too fast!

        (I was a new Mom in Germany too - 1983 behind the Berlin wall - so far from family, but we had a close-knit community of soldiers and wives and children. I hope you have such a community/family, too - it really does help!)

  2. Expat Eye says:

    Look forward to reading that! I have a lot of bus time ahead of me tomorrow so going to spend it catching up on my blog reading! :)

  3. Gypsy says:

    I love that you’re doing this! I am constantly shifting back and forth … My expat theme is a loose thread, but sometimes the issues are just so much deeper than that and I feel like I’m losing my sense of direction (from a blogging perspective). We’re moms before anything else; it’s really hard to get as passionate about anything else, whether we like it or not. Looking forward to Monster Mondays!

  4. Suze says:

    A great idea. Monster Monday sounds a little weird though :) (is it just me?) Looking forward to Monday then!

  5. Ace says:

    This sounds great, especially sonar you articulate those ups and downs in this post. Being a mother definitely plays a big influence in our view of living as expats - looking forward to your posts!

  6. Pingback: Monster Momday: The Birth of The Monster | From Casinos To Castles

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