Monster Momday: Debbie Downer Paradox

Welcome to the second week of Monster Momday. If you were ever wondering why I chose Monday {maybe you think it is because of the alliteration} I’ll tell you. I chose Monday because this is the day most everyone dreads. It’s the beginning of the work week, whether you work outside or inside the home. It’s the end of your weekend, your free time and the beginning of obligations and responsibility. For me, it is the beginning of loneliness and boredom. [Cue the violins and Debbie Downer pity party] M starts his work week today and that leaves me here alone with my little monster.

To be clear, this is how I feel as a woman, as a wife, as a mother and as a person. It is not an indication of how I feel about my son or my husband. They are the brightest lights in my life. This is about only a moment, a glimmer of an insight to some less than happy feelings. bad day

The paradox of this whole situation is that if you changed it to a perfect scenario allowing me to work outside of the home, it wouldn’t change how I feel. I’m not unhappy being a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) and haven’t reached that point where I miss having a career yet. I enjoy spending these precious moments with my son because before too long, they will be gone. I already missed the first year of these sweet times. enjoy mama

I don’t mind keeping house or cooking. I do hate the current phase of toddler eating, but that will be a post for another day. But what I miss is human contact and interaction. I miss connecting with people and having a genuine conversation. I feel isolated.

I don’t think this has so much to do with being a SAHM as it does the combination of being a SAHM AND an expat. Having a toddler doesn’t always provide you with the freedoms necessary to go out and meet new people. I have to schedule my day around when he needs to eat and sleep. Also, M and I are currently sharing one vehicle which is not conducive to allowing me much freedom either. We are working on getting that second car, but until then I’m somewhat limited. I have received invites to meet other expats, but typically they are in City Center and after 8:30 at night. M is on second shift right now, so I would have to find a sitter, which I typically save those requests to actually spend time with M. I want to just go out and explore on my own but so many times, the monster loses his patience. He gets bored and fussy and is ready to be out of his car seat or stroller doing what he wants to do. I can’t blame him. I want to be free too. For another paradox and to continue my circular thinking here, I think I would feel this way in the states as well. Maybe it would not be to this extent if we lived back in Las Vegas where I have my family and friends, but they all have lives. They have moved on since I lived there so many years ago and we are all at different life stages. So again, it still comes down to meeting someone in a similar life stage as myself.

Maybe I am bored and lonely simply because I am a SAHM?? Maybe I am in denial? Oh geeze….that takes me into those “Am I a bad mom” types of questions.I don’t want to go down that path because that too could be a post in itself. Moms these days put way too much pressure on themselves.

Don’t worry, I can see the bigger picture. I know this is temporary. We will have a second car eventually. Monster will start kindergarten next year. I will return to work at some point. I will meet people along the way. I know these things. But they don’t help me on Mondays and they don’t help me in this time period of my life where I feel so alone.

So I leave you with these questions, how do I find things to do with my son with so many limitations? How do I learn about this new place in which I live other than the internet? How do I meet other SAHMs who can relate to how I feel? Is there something I should be doing that I am not? Would love to hear any feedback you may have to help this first time SAHM and maybe get my week on track!

bright days

The Move to America

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21 Responses to Monster Momday: Debbie Downer Paradox

  1. bevchen says:

    Not being a mum, I can’t offer any advice for your situation. I just wanted to say I LOVE that first picture. Need to remember that when I have a bad day!

  2. How about taking the little one to the park? Like, at typical SAHM times? Or joining a group? Like, the International Womens Group or something similar? I think I remember you speak German fluently (or well)?? With so many Vereins maybe that´s an option? Perhaps ask at the local Kindergarten? Or Kita? They may have suggestions.
    Or, I might be way off base. That´s just what I would do. :)

  3. Ace says:

    I feel for you - I felt very much the same way (and at times, still do) when we moved last year. I had worked full-time the first 2.5 years of my son’s life, and suddenly I was home with him, feeling constrained by his napping schedule, in a new place far from friends and family without knowing the language. It’s partly giving it time (as you know) and looking forward to the possibilities of the future - and thank goodness for the internet and being to connect with others on some sort of level! I can’t imagine how people felt 25+ years ago without being able to connect like that.
    That being said, have you considered finding a bike and child seat while you’re waiting to make arrangements for a car? It would offer a little more mobility for you during the day. Even just heading over to a playground and getting some air outside with a different view would make me feel better.
    Or is their a family-oriented expat group in your area? You could check and see if there were any moms & toddlers kinds of groups that might be close by.
    Hang in there =)

    • Hi Ace! Wow. I never thought about what it must have been like before without the internet. I do have my blogging community! :-) Thank goodness! A bike would be a good idea….I think I will look into that one. As far as meetups, there is one in Trier, but it’s the one I was referring to that’s at 8:30 at night. Boo. We do go for walks and it is beautiful here….just wish there were some English speakers around! I feel like walking around carrying a sign somedays soliciting English! LOL

      • Ace says:

        I found a lot of the same thing, it seems like many of the expats are here without kids, so the timings are weird for their events.
        This may sound really crazy, but is there a language school near you? Maybe you could volunteer to be a “friend” for people learning English - it’s a fairly popular thing to do around me because the students at the university want to learn with native speakers.

      • That’s an interesting idea for sure. I’m sure there are schools in Trier….not sure how to go about looking into that, but I’ll try it out! Thanks Ace!!

  4. Oh, I so wish I lived a little bit closer. I would love to be able to sit down for a cup of coffee so you could unload. I won’t even act like I know what you are going through, but please know that I am sympathetic. Keep turning to your blogging community - there are many of us out here ready to lend an ear.

  5. Pingback: Monday Coffee Morning ~ Festivals, Blogging Space & Getting Organised | The Move to America

  6. Thank you for linking up to my little blogging social - I am glad you did as I am glad I did not miss reading your post.

    I am not a mum, nor an expat (both of those things come with a ‘yet’), so I am sure any advice I give it useless, but I am a primary school teacher and have got experience in doing activities with young children.

    One thing that may be useful is to prepare a small plastic box/container with simple art/craft things (crayons, small paints, chalks, playdough etc - whatever you want) and take it with you when you go outside and have an outdoors craft session. You can also do it the other way and take the container to collect things from a walk and use them when at home to create prints / paintings / collage etc. The box idea can then be used when out meeting other people to keep him occupied - this of course is making it sound easy as you will need to keep thinking of different things to put in the box to keep it fresh, but eventually it can be a focus for oyur son when you are out and something he knows he has to do whilst you are mingling.

    Hope this in some way helps!

  7. amovingstory says:

    One option might be to invite folks to your house (the ones who are inviting you over at 8 pm). I have discovered that expats tend to be very empathetic and understanding-whether or not they’re expat moms. Living in another place is lonely. And, if only one person comes when you extend the invite, don’t sweat it. It’s one more friend than you had before! <32

  8. Boy, making friends when you’re in a new place is hard enough on your own already. It seems to always lead to the question “How do I make friends now that school is o longer in the picture?”. At school at least you had a predetermined pool of people to interact with, same as in an office. I have used MeetUp events as ways to meet others with similar interests, maybe they have events in Germany? You might be able to find a group of expats, or other expat moms, or German mothers, anything really. It’s worth a shot!

  9. Expat Eye says:

    Hey, you probably don’t know this but I also write for a website called (I know, I know - how very me!) But the lady who runs it set it up basically to help ‘moms’ get active with their kids (and lose baby weight but I don’t think you have that problem!!) - so it’s all about getting out walking every day, going rollerblading, cycling, scootering (if that’s a word!) - she was doing miles by the end of it - going to the city centre to meet friends etc so it might not be so crazy! She’d clocked 5000 miles by the time her kid was out of the stroller ;)

    • You do? How did you get involved doing that? Thanks, I’ll check it out!

      • Expat Eye says:

        I have my ways… ;) Nah, she sent an expat friend of mine a message on FB which he shared, looking for someone with writing experience, blogging experience, marketing experience - check, check, check! We met, I did a sample stroller review, and hey presto, I’m a guest blogger! Still working on tidying up the blog itself but doing quite a lot of guest posts on these weight-loss exercises and being active with your kid and how good it is for all concerned! Video, e-book and world domination is next ;)

  10. Hello! I wish I had read this post earlier. I haven’t been reading my blogs so much recently as my little one is pretty demanding when he’s awake, as I’m sure you are familiar with. It’s a shame we are not closer, as we seem to have a lot in common. It is very hard being here with a little one, having limited German and not knowing many people, and then being so limited with transport. It’s exactly the same here. Fortunately I now have access to a car somedays and that makes such a difference. I am a big fan of walking and exercising as much as possible but we live in a small isolated village and we have walked this village a lot, so having a car just helps vary the scene a little! Is there a local mum’s group where you are? I joined one here and I have made some friends through that. It’s not the same as having your friends from back home, but the interaction is good, also for my son to be around other children. My advice is just to get out as much as you can, as you never know who you may bump into and get talking too. And as you have said, focus on appreciating this time as they grow so quickly, and when we’re old and crazy we will miss these times In the meantime we should definitely chat over the phone, and give each other some support as the winter months approach!

    • Hi! Thanks so much for commenting. I have received so much support on this post but I do feel like you not only get it but you are one of those people I mentioned in a similar life stage. That being said, I agree that it’s too bad we aren’t closer. :-( There is a village playgroup but no one really speaks English. I keep meeting people but there is not much connection I think so we don’t really stay in touch. I think the car will make a big difference too. I will take your advice to heart and I’d love to chat someday soon and for sure with the winter coming!

      • Yes I will Twitter DM you my number. I force myself to go to our local playgroup, even though I can’t understand what is being said most of the time. At least I now know most of the words to the German version of ‘the wheels on the bus!’. Never imagined myself at a ‘mum’s group’ but it’s not that bad….and you will pick up some German from going, plus a good chance for the little one to meet other kids. I’d recommend it, although it is painful at times! I have also seen lots of ads for things like baby swimming, yoga etc….although they are in German too ….maybe there is something in your area. A bit more fun than the average mum’s group.

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